Male members of the Sonic Robo Blast 2 message board;
It has come to my attention that the majority of you, being nocturnal and chair-bound for the majority of your waking lives, have come to the conclusion that jeans are acceptable businesswear. This is completely unacceptable. A full 90% of you will wear this clown garb to your first job interview (this statistic is definitely not made up), and wear them draped halfway around your bottom like a prison gang member or a drunken rapper. Not only is this ludicrously bothersome to any respectable upstanding member of society (note: I am one), but pants are not to be worn any lower than the navel! Government regulations on pant seats (article 22-B of the 1942 War Acts bill) state that no person is to have pants that do not fully cover his buttocks, lest he be found guilty of treason against the government of the United States of America.
Furthermore, another thing that irks me is the casualisation of the American workforce. At one point in time, "business casual" meant "wear a suit tieless", but standards have laxed to the point where no man is caught in a jacket if he wants to remain married! Standards of dress have fallen dramatically since the 1970s, and it is now a rarity to find someone even wearing buttoned pants of a natural fibre and not some polyester hootenanny.
The solution? There is a solution. The members of the Sky Sanctuary team have decided to work together to find it, and we did. We will work together to reinherit the legacy that our foreforeforefathers left us, and recreate the working conditions of the late-19th century man. Therefore, the following guidelines are to be enforced by deadly punishment;
I followed these guidelines and here I am lounging in my house! I am the coolest cat of the coolest cats. That is a link by the way so you can click on it and it will redirect you to an image. This is how I dress every day of every day, meow.
It has come to my attention that the majority of you, being nocturnal and chair-bound for the majority of your waking lives, have come to the conclusion that jeans are acceptable businesswear. This is completely unacceptable. A full 90% of you will wear this clown garb to your first job interview (this statistic is definitely not made up), and wear them draped halfway around your bottom like a prison gang member or a drunken rapper. Not only is this ludicrously bothersome to any respectable upstanding member of society (note: I am one), but pants are not to be worn any lower than the navel! Government regulations on pant seats (article 22-B of the 1942 War Acts bill) state that no person is to have pants that do not fully cover his buttocks, lest he be found guilty of treason against the government of the United States of America.
Furthermore, another thing that irks me is the casualisation of the American workforce. At one point in time, "business casual" meant "wear a suit tieless", but standards have laxed to the point where no man is caught in a jacket if he wants to remain married! Standards of dress have fallen dramatically since the 1970s, and it is now a rarity to find someone even wearing buttoned pants of a natural fibre and not some polyester hootenanny.
The solution? There is a solution. The members of the Sky Sanctuary team have decided to work together to find it, and we did. We will work together to reinherit the legacy that our foreforeforefathers left us, and recreate the working conditions of the late-19th century man. Therefore, the following guidelines are to be enforced by deadly punishment;
- No man is to wear denim pants unless they are a farmer or mechanic. No boy is to wear denim unless they are of the rough-and-tumble variety.
- Pants are to be worn with no less than an 11" rise, and no greater than a 14" rise. Cuffs are enforced on dress pants for individuals with less than a 46" chest. Pant legs are to be no more than 36" in circumference and no less than the leg itself.
- Waistcoats are essential if not wearing a jacket, optional otherwise.
- Cotton T-shirts are to be relegated strictly as undergarments.
- Plus-fours are A-OK! Plus-twos and plus-sixes are under consideration.
- Socks are to be worn at the mid-calf or higher; no leg is to be seen. Plain is not an option, and this is to be an argyle-only zone for the next three weeks.
- Anything that is not wool, silk, cotton, linen, dacron, rayon, or gabardine is not allowed. Elastic is permitted in undergarments.
- Sock garters are required.
- Frock coats are to be worn outside. Three-piece sacque suits are to be worn inside. Please do not reverse this as it may cause irreparable damage to the public psyche.
- Formal events require cutaway tailcoats and top hats, no exceptions.
- Pleats in jackets.
- Belted backs in jackets.
- Bi-swing backs in jackets.
- Action backs in jackets.
- Pick two of the above four.
- Do not wear a double-breasted waistcoat with a double-breasted jacket. Anything else is fine.
- Suspenders are the rule of the day. Belts are passé.
- Cars? Go get a bicycle. Much more dignified.
- Doctor Who did not make bow ties cool; they have always been so.
- Spats are always in style.
- White shirts are the most useful shirt. Black shirts are the most useless.
- Black shoes go with any pants that are not dark brown. Dark brown shoes go with any pants that are not black. Spectator shoes are excellent.
- Get a hat that mirrors your overall head shape. Fedoras of a fur felt (I have several) are the most versatile, so start there.
- Go back to #1 and re-read before proceeding.
- Women can just keep on doing whatever they feel like, the rest of us will still find them attractive.
I followed these guidelines and here I am lounging in my house! I am the coolest cat of the coolest cats. That is a link by the way so you can click on it and it will redirect you to an image. This is how I dress every day of every day, meow.
