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Old 03-18-2009   #1
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Default Pokemon Crystal-the hardcore way!

Here's how this works. I play Pokemon Crystal. If a pokemon falls in battle, that's it, it's gone. I screenshot my playthrough and post my adventures here for you, the viewer, to enjoy. On the way I make fun of everything I can, and let you guys give input. On with the show!


This is my character. Yes, it's a female. I have a lot of game and story ideas running around. Some of these end up being used in things like Dungeons and Dragons, but some of them I enjoy using in general. I've never played Crystal, only Silver, so I haven't used the female character in Crystal. So, I am here. I'm not going to use Amy, because that's rather dull. Serenity is too many characters, as is Rosemarie, so Lia gets the pick of my original characters. This was taken more or less right after I was woken up by the demon who asked for the time.


If you've ever played any Pokemon game before, you know that these are healing items. Why Lia's horrible Antichrist of a mother stocks all these healing items for herself instead of giving some to her ten year old daughter who's heading out in the world and could be killed by rabid animals if it weren't for the protection of her own rabid animals...I don't know. Instead, Lia gets to prostitute herself on the street and engage in illegal underground fighting rings in order to scrape up the money for a Potion.


This is not a healing item. It's like a twisted bastardization of Earthbound. Lemonade heals, but burgers don't?
Also, these are Cinnabar Island burgers. Burgers are either made from cows or Miltank in this world, and there aren't any in that entire country, never mind the island.


This is about thirty yards into the town. This doesn't make sense. Shouldn't you tell people what town they're getting into before they enter it?


Alright lady, lemme see if I've got this right. Dangerous things will attack me from nowhere, so I need the protection of other dangerous things, who I can then use to fight other people's dangerous things.
See, this is why we don't like the military-industrial complex. It's a downward spiral, an arms race, power creep. In short, it's like playing a trading card game.


So whoever lives in this poor little house isn't important enough to have it known? Elm has a lab and a house, Lia has a house...despite the fact that she's ten, the house is named after her. Or it's her mother. Yeah, maybe Lia is actually Lia Junior. From now on, the mother is now known as Lia Senior. That makes sense! Now, since there are quite a few people in town and only one other house, I can only assume that last house is a homeless shelter.
And yet no one in New Bark Town is kind enough to the homeless to even point out where it is? You're all going straight to hell.
Of course, we did already establish that Lia Senior is the Antichrist.


The town map goes off into the distance, there's no bound to the water...yet somehow we're supposed to think that this goes nowhere? If you were seeing this from Lia's eyes, you'd see just a little bit down the ways the opposing country of Kanto, whom Johto has an uneasy armistice with. Or something like that. Apparently the only government in the area is an organized sports corporation, where innocent animal lives are used and abused. Think about it. It's like if the only government in the world was in one city, and it was based on who could do dog races the best.


My pokeballs apparently fit into a Ziplock Bag sized pouch, despite my ability to carry dozens-nay, scores upon scores of them. My TMs and HMs, discs that upload data Matrix style to my pokemon, go into a little side pouch that inevitably gets stepped on. My main items, that will save my life and that of my pokemon, also go into a little side pocket. This pocket will fit such troves as berries, spray bottles, nuggets of gold, and drugs. Lots of drugs. The largest part of the bag is reserved for boat tickets and small, durable packages.
Really, this girl should just die within a week of leaving home.


If I had a choice between being called Mr. Pokemon and ever being able to step out of my house without people murdering me for sheer stupidity, I wouldn't make the same choice as this guy, lemme tell you.


Because of the Antichrist, Lia Senior, I have to make sure I look good enough to continue my prostitution so I can afford life saving medications and water for my people.


And so now we get to the end of this. Which starter should I choose?

Here's how it works. The best argument, not the number of votes, but the best reasoning, will determine which starter I choose. Additionally, whoever I choose may provide the nickname for the pokemon, within reason. I'm not running around with a bunch of swears. If you want to be funny, be smart about it.
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Old 03-18-2009   #2
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since I never played Crystal I'm quite clueless when it comes to starters, but my best bet would be a Fire type, they have a good range of hard hitting moves (or at least in Diamond and fire red), but I have never played this game so I cant relay give out a reasonable explanation to wy you should pick fire.
oh and this is awesome, keep up the good work.
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Old 03-18-2009   #3
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I find Grass to be better because of their statis effect abilities and high defense.

And I like how you noticed the obvious flaws of the pokemon game series.
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Old 03-18-2009   #4
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You should go with Cyndaquil for the following five reasons.

1) Fire is awesome.
2) You'll have an easy time with the Bug gym.
3) The final evolution of Totodile looks ugly, and the same goes for Chikorita.
4) You can get your Grass type early on with Hoppip.
5) "Cinder-quill" sounds a lot easier to make fun of than the other two names. Gangstaquil, anyone?
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Old 03-18-2009   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boinciel
You should go with Cyndaquil for the following five reasons.

1) Fire is awesome.
This alone is enough for me. But yeah, the Bug gym should be a breeze. Hell, the other two just don't look good to me, to top it off.
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Old 03-18-2009   #6
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Chikorita, because you'll be badass if you do.
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Old 03-18-2009   #7
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Choice: Cyndaquil
Nick: Hellraiser Cuz you'll raise the flames of hell!
Reasoning: Gym 1: Fire vs Flying = Water vs Flying >>> Grass vs Flying
Gym 2: Fire vs Bug = You own them like no one's bizniz.
Gym 3: (insert type here) vs Normal, who cares?
Gym 4: By now, if you don't have something better for Ghost/Poison than Fire... you fail.

And now, counter reasoning:
Gym 1: Pigeotto knows Mud-Slap (OBJECTION! With supertraining, Even Fire can beat it.)
Gym 3: Miltank knows Rollout, a Rock move (OBJECTION!! Should have a countermon by now.)
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Old 03-18-2009   #8
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Pretty sure the only time I ever lost in Pokemon Crystal was against E4.
Not that I remember what pokemon I had used, it's been about a decade. I know I had a Typhlosion at the end though.
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Old 03-18-2009   #9
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I usually find entertainment by playing this game on my iPod. I haven't gotten around to playing often though.
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Old 03-18-2009   #10
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I predict you not being able to get very far without potions, revivals, etc. But this is my thinking.

I would normally choose Cyndaquill because of the fire element attached to it. Although with the Pokemon games I used to play, I always picked a water type (In this case, it would be Totodile to choose). Oddly enough, I didn't know why I chose a water type, but now thinking back on it and with the knowledge of past games, I have the thought that Fire pokemon focus on power whereas Water type pokemon focus on defense.

If you are looking for power and little defense, I choose Cyndaquill.
If you are looking for defense and little power, I choose Totodile.
If you are looking for both in equal standards, I choose Chikorita.

Again, Totodile is my choice.
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Old 03-18-2009   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos Knux
Choice: Cyndaquil
Nick: Hellraiser Cuz you'll raise the flames of hell!
Reasoning: Gym 1: Fire vs Flying = Water vs Flying >>> Grass vs Flying
Gym 2: Fire vs Bug = You own them like no one's bizniz.
Gym 3: (insert type here) vs Normal, who cares?
Gym 4: By now, if you don't have something better for Ghost/Poison than Fire... you fail.
I never choose Chikorita since it wasn't really a grass pokemon I wanted badly. I choose Cyndaquil or tododile since they seemed more interesting and more unique. But I love grass, psychic, flying, and fighting pokemon (more of grass). Anyway, the gym leaders are simple with their pokemon selection.

For the first gym, I trained a bellsprout to level 15 and traded for the boy's onyx. Easy win, cheap but simple.

The second was the same, the onyx and a flying type.

The third was boring. No comment.

The fourth, Got a psychic pokemon

5-7 were easy

but 8 was a pain....@_@

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boincile
You can get your Grass type early on with Hoppip
I wouldn't be caught dead with a hoppip no matter how desprate for a grass pokemon I am.

I'd go oddish if I were you.
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Old 03-18-2009   #12
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If your first Pokemon faints, I am going to laugh so fucking hard.
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Old 03-19-2009   #13
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Totodile evolves into Croconaw, who can learn Bite, which is pretty much the equivalent of an atom bomb against most anything because Dark and Steel are haxxors types.
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Old 03-19-2009   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Naga
Chikorita, because you'll be badass if you do.
This. Also, because I'm extremely partial to the grass type in general.

I could also comment on the fact that starting with Chikorita will also make the game notably harder. Given that you rely on your starter for most of the game, and most of the gym leaders use types that generally pwn the grass types, this presents a major challenge. I'd really like to see you try and pull that off.
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Old 03-19-2009   #15
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Quote:
[21:22] <MattW_CFI> ST218: Pick Cyndaquil. Name it Geshkar, after a certain person [in DND] who uses fire-based attacks and always misses. ;P
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Old 03-19-2009   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flame
I predict you not being able to get very far without potions, revivals, etc. But this is my thinking.
I can still use Potions and the like-HP loss isn't permanant. Death, however, is. Hence, Revives are useless. Basically, whenever a Pokemon hits 0, I go to a box and Release it. For obvious reasons, I won't be packing Self-Destruct or Curse. Since Pokemon has no game over screen, the only way to lose is to have no Pokemon left period, a situation I hope to avoid. Additionally, since there's no Game Over, there's no resets, so every mistake is permanant.

I've looked over the arguments. There's a few people making good points for Chikorita. However, Boinciel made the best point about Cyndaquil. Fire is awesome. For that reason, Cyndaquil shall be my Starter. I've talked to Boinciel on IRC, and he wished the Cyndaquil to be called Rug. According to him, Cyndaquil looks like the kind of thing that you'd skin and use as a rug.

Now, obviously, other Pokemon need to be caught and named. If you have any name suggestions, post them with comments. Posts consisting of nothing but nickname suggestions are kinda spammy, after all.

Name Rules:
I was going to type them out, but a screenshot might work better, huh.

So there. That's what you can use and your space. Obviously, nothing rulebreaking or the like, but you'll hit unfunny long before rulebreaking. If you have a suggestion for a specific pokemon, say it ahead of time, but remember there's no assurance I'll catch it (though most things I run into I'll try and catch, for obvious reasons.).

The adventures of Lia and Rug will update tonight.
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Old 03-19-2009   #17
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You should have picked Regifail as your starter pokemon!

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Old 03-19-2009   #18
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So, we're back. I'm to deliver a package with the little...thingy known as Rug.


It's a Cyndaquil. What exactly is a Cyndaquil? Like, Charmander is a salamander, Squirtle is a turtle, Totodile is a crocodile, Bidoof is a beaver, Cyndaquil is a what? Yeah, that's what I thought.


Elm's assistant is the first person to be nice to me. He just gives me a potion. He's a brave man, defying the next door Antichrist like that.


Incidentally, he remarks how the two of them are always busy.
Obligatory sex joke count: 1
Also, there are only two. This definitely won't become relevant in a moment.


You've got a really cute butt. Want to have sex? I won't even charge you!


Ahh, abuse. That just shows how much you love me. Also, with legs like that, you must be really good at running and escaping.

*five minutes later*

Wonder why he was looking into Elm's lab?


Wait. If it's too dangerous to leave town without your own Pokemon, that means you don't leave town. Since you can't leave town and there are no businesses here, that means you have no job, meaning you're homeless.
Meaning that is a homeless shelter down there. Meaning the Antichrist really is a jerk!
Let's go and confront her about this.


Wait wait wait. You have a two story house-with a room for your own daughter larger than the homeless shelter, you have fresh water, lemonade, and burgers, and you're not sharing with the homeless people? And I'm about to go off in the wild, risking life, limb, and purity, and I should be glad I'm being entrusted with a job?
What kind of ****ed up Victorian morality code is this?

So, I bid goodbye to New Bark Town, eager to go shack up with Mr. Pokemon so I can get some spare change in return. Along the way, various things attack me. You'd think we'd just shoot the buggers and teach them to stay off the main roads, but I guess common sense is rarer than a shiny pokemon.
Unlike shiny pokemon, though, common sense is much better than the far more common alternatives.


My first kill. The passing of innocence, where I go from a boy into a man. Or a girl into a woman. I shed tears as I realize the world is a cruel and horrible place.

No, I'm kidding. I grew up with the goddamn Antichrist. You think she set the mousetraps herself? No, risking the little girl's fingers is a much better proposition. And I had to dispose of the corpses, too.

Also, in addition to flinging her entire body at the enemy, Rug also has a special attack.


EYEBEAMS OF DOOM!


I assure you, old man, there's nothing you can teach me I'm not already using to pay my mother's bills.


Don't we all?


Yeah, sure, they always say that. They never pay as well the second time, though.


As opposed to a Wal-Mart or a PetsMart or a MartMart? There's only one kind of store in this damn world. It's an international monopoly. Really, you're like Merlin, but instead of getting younger as time went by, you just got dumber.


For putting up with his idiocy, I got an electronic map guarenteed to fail whenever I'm lost, confused, or in need of route planning or fact checking.
In short, WHENEVER I NEED IT!


Ahh, Nurse Amy. Why Amy? Because I have to name drop it somewhere, and the person who's going to be, you know, keeping me alive is a good person to pin it on.
Ahh, Nurse Amy, sometimes I feel as if you're the only one who understands me. Well, you and that cute guy staring into Elm's lab.
Oh god. I hope he's not gay.
Also, Nurse Joy sounds dumb.


I'm broke now, but at least I won't be dying any time soon. Except for a critical hit. Those suck.
Aside: Critical hits in Pokemon Crystal occur one tenth of the time for normal moves to up to one half of the time for tricked out high critical moves. Critical hits in Dungeons and Dragons, where they first originated, occur one twentieth of the time and then improve to one tenth or so, unless you're really good and make it one quarter of the time.
If me and the enemies get an equal number of critical hits, then since I can suffer fewer strong hits before getting screwed, then anything that increases the influence of luck is a disadvantage against me.
Essentially, this proves that the game is out to kill me.


I guess if you're dumb enough to be called Mr. Pokemon, you might as well put a signpost for the angry mob to follow...


..and then just confirm for them how dumb you are by marking down that they've got the right house.


I gotta say, when I find a berry, I tend to give it a cool name, maybe after its looks or taste. Not its function for my sentient travleing companions slash bodyguards slash meat shields.


This just proves how dumb he is even more. Look, when you've just been with a girl, you don't go and give her eggs from your one night stand. At least try and pretend that you have eyes only for her?
Men are such idiots.


Is he dead? Please tell me he's dead. Please God, I know I'm the daughter of the Antichrist and all, but please, just grant me this one favor?

On the way back to New Bark Town, I get into another battle. Hmm, a tadpole. This looks fine. Maybe it'll be like that other tadpole who had no physical defense. You know, Mallow!


wait what? oh to hell with this!



I love it when he talks to me like I'm dirt. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. And outside.


Wait, what? I don't want to fight you!
wait a minute
fighting means make up sex afterwards!
Yeah, let's do this!

But first I'm going to taunt him a little.


First, use my EYEBEAMS OF DOOM!


Then I use my DANDRUFF OF DOOM!
Eh, not as funny. Either way, he's completely debuffed. So, now to kill him!



Suck it! Well, I mean, let me, but whatever.
Wait, no level up? That means...he was too easy! Guys don't like it when it's too easy! In fact...


..No!! He's gone! And I didn't get his number! Hopefully next time.

With the fun over, I decide to see what happened at Elm's place. Sadly, he's still alive.

How? You wonder how?
This is how:

But, just for kicks, let's go back there and see what happened. Maybe they'll be dying and I can finish the job? I mean, the cute guy ran away from me, I had to sleep with Mr. Pokemon, and now Elm's still alive. Surely my luck has to change.


You got distracted by a loud noise?



I...I have nothing to say. I mean, can you really get any dumber?
Actually, you know what, I didn't ask that. I don't want to know.


Yeah, just didn't get anything more. Would've been sweet if I had. Well, I guess sweet isn't the right adjective, but hey, it still would have been nice. I'm used to it. Oh, you want the name?


Fine.

And so wraps up this update. I already have my own ideas for the Rival name, but Pokemon nicknames are, as always, wide open.

Also, for those interested in Rug's progress, she gained two levels. So, she progressed like so:

She also picked up Smokescreen.

That's all for now. Check in...maybe tomorrow, who knows.
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Old 03-19-2009   #19
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NAME HIM ****WIT

I like the idea of this thread.
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Old 03-19-2009   #20
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Name him Jesus. =D
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